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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, August 28, 2008 10:06 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 2
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Hello,
I have been contemplating relationship issues lately, and find that I am in a bit of a pickle. Basically, I am lost and seek some guidance. I am here because, frankly, I’m not sure what to do with my relationship/sex life. I am 25 and male, so this is important at my age.
My post will look at the following in the context of forming a meaningful relationship (1) Childhood Sexual Abuse (CSA), (2) Going overseas
1. Childhood Sexual Abuse
Between the ages of 5-7 I was the victim of molestation, several instances were full rape. It is amazing how this can shatter a guy’s soul. I noticed that I have been hopeless at forming relationships, and that I have casual sex often (about once a month and protected, of course). Once a month is probably normal anyway for a young single guy. I started therapy for the abuse only a month ago, and the psychologist says that a “symptom” of CSA is lowered self esteem and viewing women as sex objects – in essence, “love shyness”. Particularly at that age, we learn our outlook on life and it is burned into our brains. I am trying to change, and working on initiating relationships.
2. Going overseas
I am going to New York next year (12 months from now) for a career move of a lifetime. Objectively, I am pretty popular with the girls. I finally decided to date a girl and that lasted about 3 months. We started the dating on the proviso that we will “see what happens”. She became very attached to me but my heart did not respond to her. I decided to end it early so as to avoid the dating dragging out and her becoming too attached (it would have hurt her A LOT more if I just went on dating her for pity). She is great, but I just did not respond emotionally – odd how it works. She also took issue with my career move after 2 months, even though she was supportive at the start. Most girls do not like the idea that I am moving, and so, I will need to be alone I guess.
A few girls have offered a casual sexual relationship, but I am so sick of that lifestyle. As I get a little older, the sex is less important and the company becomes more important. But, without sex the girl is just a friend.
I feel lost. My condition makes me unable to initiate romantic relationships, and I am getting really sick of casual sex. Also, my going O/S scares girls. As Freud and most psych’s say, long term sexual abstinence is harmful and sex is a necessity of life for a healthy psychological state.
So, to summarize, my brain is screwed up because I was raped repeatedly as a kid, I am “love shy” (anxiety about initiating meaningful relationships, not sex) even though I get lots of girls who come after me, and I am going to live overseas in about 12 months so girls are put off by that. I get the sex but not the relationships because of the issues I mention – combo of O/S and CSA I suppose.
Thanks for any comments.
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Hi mate
Well my past life certainly can't compare to yours but I will offer what advice I can - and if only I had been lucky enough at 25 to have women offering me casual sex as well 
You talk about trying a relationship and seeing what happened. I know we did it younger when I started and got married (over 20 years ago now). But since my marriage broke up - amicably with no kids - I have had a number of girlfriends. Some serious, some not. Apart from one where we gave our hearts to each other before it went totally pear shaped I have generally found that a woman can latch on and think there is more there than you are feeling (had that only 2 months ago where a one night stand I wasn't expecting developed into something before I realised she was latching on and I wasn't feeling anything).
Why is that? I might have been the perfect guy for her but she wasn't close to the perfect girl for me. She obviously enjoyed my company, the sex, company and so on. I didn't mind the company, the sex wasn't that good for me and I realised we had nothing in common in terms of hobbies and interests. So I broke that off before it got too involved.
Not sure what the answer is. You can't offer a long term relationship to someone because you are going o/s. Which means unless you meet a woman who wants to move with you there is no point in pursuing something until you get there.
Not being able to comment on the psyhcological damage from your past all I can recommend is keep the counselling up, and maintain a positive outlook. Being celibate for a while doesn't hurt either despite Freud. There are other ways of taking care of that problem and in reality not having sex is OK. I should know, I was married to someone with a sexual problem. And I would rather make love to someone I cared about that just get it in despite offers.
Hope you recover from the past and can look forward to the new future. Good luck with it.
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, September 01, 2008 5:48 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 4
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Hi blu,
I just want to send you all the emotional support I can.
Stick with professional help.
For what it's worth, your post seems very 'future' based. I know that your move to USA is important, but so is your emotional wellbeing in the meantime. One shouldn't exclude the other.
Who knows, if you relax a little (easy for me to say) about both relationships and going overseas, something might eventuate that allows both.
Best of luck, mate.
Ges.
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