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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Thursday, August 07, 2008 11:29 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 7
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Being beautiful doesn’t mean happiness, whilst you’re chasing this perfection you’re so sure that soon you will be happy, finally you have transformed your exterior and your interior is still lost.
In fact you wonder why now, with the appearance you have achieved, people are more interested in knowing you, if given the chance. You become not just another norm, but a popular. I wasn’t ever unpopular. But I wasn’t ever placed in such a highly respected position. By some. Although you are receiving such respect it disgusts you that it takes so much to attain this, yet I am still the same inside. Why was I not appreciated in the first instance, for just being a good person. I am still a good person, just a sadder good person. People who get given the title, “Bitch” may seem cold but they don’t get used and abused. Therefore they must be happier than I.
I thought being attractive would stop the beatings, my theory it is harder to smack a cute puppy than its grown form. I still get beaten, in fact it is worse, in attempt to improve myself, and prove myself as worthy of being treated humanely. I have created insecurities, in the one person’s opinion I was hoping to change. And the fact is with all the extra attention based on your exterior, you find yourself feeling like a piece of meat. Attention based on the one thing I thought would make me happier, but it doesn’t. Funny thing is now at this point having achieved what I have I can’t let it slip. People’s perceptions cannot be altered now. More importantly, He is more judgemental now, although he may have always been, but I was happier so it worried me less.
If you feel love you give love. If you feel hate, you close yourself from those who can hurt you. And only keep a piece of your heart open to those more vulnerable and in need of protection. Though you are sure soon the vulnerable may grow to be like them, learning that to take side of the controlling party is in their best interest. So you give and you wait.
Happiness has a scale 1- 100. I can see that now, I have not been 100% in the last few yrs in fact I can’t remember when I was 100%. Not anymore, I used to remember the good times he and I had. My head has shut it all out now, in protection of my heart. Just hopelessness now. So what do I do? Anticipate change; wait for a bit, run now. I am always making excuses, wasting my life, potentially risking its end. And what of the vulnerable.
No one should care; it is selfish to expect anyone other than myself to help. You can’t be helped if you won’t help yourself. I won’t. Sure I can make excuses as to what’s wrong with situation; his mental health, a moment in the past that changed it all or it’s just me (his excuse), although I know that it’s not. I am smart enough to know that. I am the victim, but victimising myself not out of need for attention, something is just not letting me out. Placing an excuse on the problem gives potential for solving it. The problem is NOW; the current situation is not healthy. Not healthy for anyone involved. Not healthy for bystanders even.
It is my own fault that I am still in this situation and I don’t want anyone to be inconvenienced by this. I hate having people feel sorry for me, I want to seem together not in need of support. I am good at making covers, I can accomplish a grade that people can envy, I can stay “pretty” so I must be loved. I can seem together, even if I am not. It’s so easy for people judge, if they knew, instantly they would think I am stupid for staying where I am, so much easier to say than to do. I always saw these types of situations on the TV, and I couldn’t understand why they always went back. In this position you only befriend those who won’t judge and who relate. Although I am alone, my closet friends can’t and won’t really ever understand me and my situation.
I have started to fight back, punch for punch. I am hoping he will see me agro and think it odd, correcting his own behaviour. That and if I am going to get hit I may as well deserve it. So far I feel better, but still sad. I have seen fear in his eyes. That pleases me. But the fighting continues. As partners you are meant to work together, be friends, best friends. My girl friends would never treat me in such a manner. How did it get to this? Surely we liked each other in the beginning? Perhaps it’s Love that keeps us in this place or fear of the unknown, or fear of being alone. Being alone doesn’t leave me bruised and battered though.
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