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Forum Member
 
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 7:25 PM
Posts: 49,
Visits: 110
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This is going to be a slightly longish post. But I am fairly sure I need help of some kind.
Firstly, I divorced in 2000 after being married for 14 years. Apart from the initial loneliness I got over that fairly quickly, and still get on fine with my ex wife. Shortly after that work transferred me from Sydney to Adelaide.
I had a couple of short relationships through women I met through online dating. None lasted but that's fine. Then one night I met a nice woman at a bar and we hit it off pretty much straight away, doing a few dates, talking on the phone and so on. The relationship gradually developed and after about 4 months we decided to move in together. She had 5 kids, the oldest 2 had left home. The ones at home were 4 & 10 yo boys, and a 14 yo daughter. With the exception of the daughter the kids and the rest of her family took to me quickly, and over time the daughter came around. But she was at that stage in her life when she wouldn't open up to her mum either. She certainly didn't dislike me being there.
A few months later her landlord wanted his house back, and we decided to buy together. I sold the townhouse I had been living in (making a fair loss as I hadn't owned it for long enough) and renting to a workmate since I moved in with this lady. So we bought a nice house, had the boys one week out of 2 and the daughter most of the time. This woman also worked 2 or more nights per week (nursing).
Anyway, things started going wrong towards the end of 2006. A few arguments, and eventually I was basically thrown out. Stayed at a friends for a few nights then went away to Vic on a holiday we had booked to take together. On the way home she rang me and we spoke, and decided to give it another try.
All went well for a while, then it happened again in April. I was supposed to fly to Melbourne the next morning for a work trip and ended up having to call the police to be able to get my clothes I had packed. Nothing seemed to trigger these arguments in particular. It would be some little comment taken out of line and she would go nuts. She had that knack of just pushing and pushing no matter how I tried to be reasonable until she finally got a reaction then she could prove in her own mind she was right all along.
Anyway, after a week or so she decided she really did want me back and it was all in the past. Whether it was because she needed me to drive her and the kids to Melbourne just after she had done 2 night shifts I don't know. But that reunion only lasted about a month before it happened again - well this time I could see it coming and walked out before I needed the cops. I had also decided that it wasn't good for the kids - when they came back from dad's they wouldn't know if I was there, on the couch, or out altogether.
After she realised that this time I wasn't coming back (rented a place and told her the houose was going on the market) things alternated between her begging me to come back, and totally losing the plot. I tried to get a restraining order but the police didn't really seem to want to get involved. Too much work, as if a man could be in physical danger from a (deranged) woman.
I was still happy to be friendly but did not want to continue the relationship. She stole my mobile phone and called my boss in Melbourne, a girl I work with who was in the middle of planning her father-in-law's funeral, and my ex with all this ranting about what a bastard I was, how I had stolen things from work, and been molesting the kids. Then finishing with "but if you talk to him tell him I love him and want him back". Lack of logic there.
Just prior to that she had demanded I pay her $6000 for the use of her family and body while together, when I refused that is when she made the phone calls. That blackmail attempt was also reported to the police.
Anyway it flared up every month or so until I got the opportunity to move back to Sydney for a different company. Better job, love the people there and the work a lot more than the old place. That was end of October last year.
So why after all this time - when I should in theory be happier I am somewhere she can't contact/harass me because she doesn't know where - aren't I happy. I'm outwardly happy but inside feel nothing. I had an attractive woman at a singles party take me upstairs two weeks to the room she was staying in at the hotel and we slept together. But despite that there are no feelings inside me at all and I had to be honest with her and say I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. Which made her sad.
How do I get over this depsression and emptiness? I had a relationship where I gave her everything I could, all the love I had in me. Took on the kids, mortgage etc just to be with her. And have it thrown back in my face whenever she had a mood swing. Things remind me too often, like an electrician van as her 2nd oldest was a sparkie. I just can't get away from it all.
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Junior Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Friday, June 13, 2008 5:53 PM
Posts: 13,
Visits: 69
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| Mate - let me tell you that I have lived with a spouse with mental illness and if your description is accurate - so have you. You must keep in mind that if a person has mental illness such as depression, personality disorder, bipolar, etc then the nursing industry is full of extra factors that can make things worse - very stressful work, often toxic work cultures, shift work, easy access to prescription drugs, etc - a volatile cocktail. Its sounds like you have been on the receiving end of some nasty symptoms. The way you feel is totally natural - everytime you forgive and have tried to make it work you made yourself vulnerable, only to be abused and disappointed. Remember, if she is ill, her behaviour is not your fault. Although, it's not her fault either. If she is ill then she needs treatment, but to make treatment a success she nneds to be totally committed. In the meantime, if your relationship is over, I strongly urge you to seek professional counselling to work through your feelings and emotions otherwise they will surely eat you up and poison your future relationships. Best of luck and blessings to you.
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Forum Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 7:25 PM
Posts: 49,
Visits: 110
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Thanks mate.
As far as I know she wasn't doing drugs, but she could have hid it. Some of the accusations at the end were ridiculous. I was probably still on rsvp (as if I would have had time). Had probably been smoking dope through the whole relationship (as if she wouldn't have smelt it on me) and so on. I am the first to admit I;m not the perfect partner, I do like a beer a bit too much but never drank to a stage where I was either physically or verbally abusive, or even argumentative.
Yes, I do believe she had a mental problem of some sort though she told me later (one of the times she was trying to be friendly) that she had seen a doctor and he told her she wasn't depressed or bi-polar. My only thought was that he didn't have to live with her.
I know that I did the best I could in that relationship. And yes, I do need professional help as everything in my life is going well on the outside and I should be happy. If I answer the beyondblue questionnaires I have between mild and medium depression.
Can't be bothered making anything for dinner most of the time, so just buy things I can nuke. Not making the effort to do hobbies I enjoy. I am trying to change that. I am into 4WDing and one of the clubs meets very close to here next Wednesday so will go along and try and make some new friends.
There was something underlying wrong there, that I don't think was there when I first met her but could have changed. She was approaching menopause and that could have been a trigger. Her previous marriage was also bad though she didn't realise it until towards the end with her ex being a control freak a bit (he was a cop) and whenever she started making friends in a new place would get a different posting somewhere else country. I never tried to control. And I thought had healed her a lot from that relationship.
When we split up she found an old country friend each time and jumped into bed with him. I forgave her each time. Which in the end was thrown back at me that I didn't love her or I wouldn't have forgiven her. A no win situation there!
Anyway, just doing my best day to day. And it is good to find a forum like this where others have gone through their own crap, similar to my own. Thanks.
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Forum Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 7:25 PM
Posts: 49,
Visits: 110
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Just wanted to let everyone know my progress. The woman I met 3 weeks ago was feeling frustrated in the relationship (how it can be a relationship yet I don't know). But anyway went over to her place Friday night even though her kids were home. After they went to bed things developed so we did as well, even though I had to leave early before they woke so they wouldn't know I stayed the night.
But the prompting of that is I did go to the local GP on Saturday morning, she suggested drugs as a first option but I preferred the counselling so I have a referral to local psych. I've nothing against drugs except the anti depressamts are normally taken for at least a year. I would rather know what I was feeling was my own emotions rather than drug induced happiness. That's still an option if the counselling doesn't work though.
I think she feels that if she takes me to bed enough I will be healed! Not convinced but not going to knock it back either.
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, August 26, 2008 6:51 PM
Posts: 2,
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Mate things could be worse trust me!!
my marriage ended after 17 yrs,
my ex decided she was gay go figure.. 3 children well I thought were all mine until a recent dna test tells me my 8 yr old is not my child.
This I will never recover from, the loss of over 1million dollars ect ect , I wont bore you..
Love your children is my advice they will soon realise as mine did the mother is twisted, and will embrace you 100%
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