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Forum Newbie
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Last Login: Sunday, September 07, 2008 6:44 PM
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Like every thread ive read, we all have a lifetime story to try to explain in a short"ish" post... so here's mine... and its not simple nor short ... sorry .....
Im 44, Arriving in Australia @12yrs old from USA, my wife is Aust & 40. Together for 15yrs & married for 6yrs with no kids. For 8yrs or so living an "easy come easy go / *ahum* hippieish" lifestyle. When we had $ we enjoyed it, when not we enjoyed each other even the more.
My main life's occupation has been in aquaculture, hers in book keeping / accounting. Both of us over the years being more on the self employed side rather than working for a set weekly wage.
7yrs ago we got a bank loan to start an aquaculture business, sounds perfect... I do the work, she does the books.
4yrs ago we got a loan for a house.
Things were going great until the house, which btw I was a little stand offish about due to our already very high $ commitment. Then her father stepped in with a belated wedding present of a deposit for a house... "If my little princess wants a house then a house she shall have!" . I was completely in 2 minds from the outset... on one hand it was a very generous offer of a wedding gift, on the other hand... her father's $ has always been her easy answer to several prior times of hardship. At this point in time I was already starting to resent her "easy $ options" ... history states my mind was changed and the 2 of us now live in a monster 4bed/2bath+ensuite/3car garage house with a morage to match.
This is where things get confusing ....
3yrs ago $ were getting tighter as interest rates rise.
2 and 1/2 yrs ago I start to (for the very first time EVER) I start to stick my nose into the financial runnings of our life. For a while there we were actually communicating about our $'s on an adult and business orientated manner, addressing issues of concern, agreeing with a plan and implementing it.
It was about this same time that I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease.
2yrs ago my mother was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer with no real prognosis of expected lifespan. Needless to say without hesitation I offered my every minute to helping my step father with my mothers care.... mother lived 100klms away.
So this is what I did... started getting up at 3am, doing 4-5hrs work, then travel 100klms and stay till 12-1pm, return home to then work till 5-6pm, eat dinner then return to mothers till 9-10pm return home to email my family daily updates (my family is spread across 12 countries world wide) then not enough sleep and to start over again. This continued for 6 months until mother passed away on 14/12/2006.
During this time, the previous 18 months, our personal & sex life was starting to sink and the business was suffering badly and any input I had to the $/paperwork side of things was brushed off with "I'll tend to it, you look after your mother". We went from paying our bills in 7 days to paying them in 60-90 days including the morgage. Late fee's added with interest and more late fee's and even more interest rate rise's was and still is a nightmare.
About 8 months ago things really went haywire ( more to the point, I did!) when I found a secret folder that contained amongst other things account cancellation notices from suppliers and a notice from the bank to repossess the house as $12K was overdue.... then came the comment i've had bad dreams about... my wife says "I'll just get my dad to pay it!".
Well ive never ever received $1 from the dole or otherwise... since being together neither has she and we have always adjusted our lifestyle to our $ and had always been honest about things with each other.
Trying to keep it short...
For the 1st time ever I had to assert my standing point.... "If we cant pay our own way we have to adjust our way's even if it means selling the house before the bank does, that way at least we make the profit not the bank and we can consolidate our debts and re-plan accordingly". My wife then took me by total surprise completely opposite to 99% of our lifes communications and said "Well I dont care, i'll get dad to pay $$ and you will have to work harder".... "everyone has to juggle $ and pay the odd bill late in order to get by" ....
I am ashamed to admit that I lowered my standards and began to take on a personally unseen passive aggressive state that continued to spiral downhill, even to the extent of my wife putting her father on the phone and we had a very aggressive argument about financial commitments and integrity.... I cant believe even he said it was OK to pay the morgage late, pay suppliers late, accept all the bank late fee's, put up with continuing phone calls from suppliers..... this phone conversation was the catalist for even more deception... my wife took the phone from me and we were having a 3way screaming match until she outright lied to her father about my involvement in the bill paying process saying that I co-signed every cheque and I had total knowledge of our financial history etc and on and on.....
I then did the worst thing possible and yelled at her "I should slice your throught and pull out your tounge so you and your father can both see all of the *BS* that is flowing out".
2 days latter I came home to find a note on the table saying she was at her dad's 1500klms away as she feared for her life... leaving a contact mobile number and encouraging me to call in 7 days or so giving us both time to calm down.
In late September she told me she got a job near her dad's in order to help pay bills here at home. Mid December she came for a visit to "see how we got on and how "safe" she felt at home". 3 Visits during January....Early February she told me she was returning near home and staying with a girlfriend until she felt "safe" enough to come home...... (keep in mind these facts, October was my b'day / October was her 40th b'day / Dec 5th our wedding anniversary / Dec 14th the 1st Anniversary of my Mothers passing / Dec 12-17th my only sister in Australia visits me & step dad for Mother's Aniversary and family support / Dec 25th Christmas / New Years).....
Late February I ruetienly, blindly open the mail to find a bank statement for my wife... a new account was opened in August 07 and it had weekly wage inputs into the account... nothing strange... except..... the suburb's of withdrawls wasnt near her fathers 1500klms away ... they all were closer to me IE: her girlfriends house....
My wife had been lieing to me for nearly 6 months as to her location, lied about not being able to visit for our birthdays, lied about receiving flowers I sent for our wedding anniversary, lied about not being able to visit during my darkest hours of need during Mothers aniversary of passing, about christmas about new years....
Ive been taken for a completed dickhead, working my arse off 18hrs a day... playing proud captain with a smile of a sinking ship, battling depression with professional help, still so hugely lost in spirit with Mother's passing, monthly visits to Dr's for my Parkinsons medication ( which they keep changing due to clash's with anti-depressants / mood swings) .... and the ever continuing battle of the $.
Strangely enough, I understand and still feel everyone's mental state of "keep going in hope" & "fear of change & the unknown".... and I still do not want to loose my wife and everything we have accomplished together... but I cant help but wonder if my wife has lied about my Parkinsons having nothing to do with our relationship and her returning home.
I also have had thoughts of ending it all, I dont consider my self a "real type" of christian (what ever that is) but when that sad mental states comes about I just know that I cant follow through for fear of never seeing Mother again.
Ive considered medical supervision in USA (more advanced treatments - though I do inderstand that at this stage none are long term successfull) ... I have also been offered a good job in my prefered industry in USA, much less long lost family in USA....
Im now one who wont lower my standards or stand down again .... also having all but no energy to stand up for myself......
Life is such a torment atm...
A lost soul looking for light again ...........
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Junior Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Friday, July 04, 2008 12:22 AM
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Hi Toga.
Mate, "it never rains...it pours", sorry to hear of your troubles.
Unfortunately, you cant alter the circumstances of your dilemma but you can take some positive steps in making sure you look after yourself.
For those of us that are going through a breakup we all know that it feels like an unstoppable free fall and decisions on what to do or what direction to head seem insurmountable until you take back some control of the situation.
At the risk of sounding like a parrot, seek some help, as you have suggested n other posts, talk to your GP and get a referral to a Counselor. Trying to focus on the things you enjoy and try to find distraction in this to stop you mulling over the situation 24/7.
Don't give up, there are lots of us lost souls around here, we need to stick together!
HH
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Junior Member
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Last Login: Thursday, April 03, 2008 2:56 PM
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Hi Toga,
Sorry to hear about your troubles. It is not an easy situation but you will get through it.
I agree with HH, ensure you get support.
Keep us in the loop of how things go.
Chris.
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Forum Newbie
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Last Login: Monday, May 26, 2008 2:39 PM
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Esther Vilar wrote in 1974 in "The Manipulated Man" that you should never place the welfare of men in the hands of women.
Toga, if that US job is still available then take it. I know from harsh experience that all but the rarest of women will desert their man in his time of need.
Make a new life and a new perspective for yourself. Her response to that will provide all the enlightenment you need - one way or the other.
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Sunday, September 07, 2008 6:44 PM
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Thanks Guys .... like HH said in another post, even to read "Keep your Head Up" does have a pacifying and calming effect. Much less for other blokes to repeat what our inner self knows and ignores.. "Go To The Dr's and get help".
I dont have any earth shattering relationship update in any direction.
Sunday 10am the wife did stop bye after ringing asking a 2 part favour...
1) To drop her at airport so eh could visit her mother who had car accident saturday 6pm and asked for some $.
2) For me to consider her returning home. That she wanted to have an adult chat and she was willing to formulate some ground rules of reconsiliation recognising both of our needs and wants, with the exact same understanding that we have both done wrong and we both have issues to address.
I have never distrusted her heart of love..... but now her words are empty of that once unspoken automatic trust.
This past week has been very "liveable", this latest round of meds is rather nice. No druggie type of wasted high's or low's, no anger or depression, no "nodding off" or pumped for speed .... almost an unnerving state of calm mentally and physically (YEH!!!)... all with no antidepresents.
It been a good week for getting some stabilisation happening.
Cheers & Thanks Guys 
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Sunday, September 07, 2008 6:44 PM
Posts: 8,
Visits: 83
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