|
|
|
Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 1:03 PM
Posts: 3,
Visits: 9
|
|
I've been married almost three years. We were together for two years prior. And throughout all this time I have been subjected to regular violent outbursts when she gets angry.
It occurs about once month. I'll say something she doesn't like. She'll ask me to explain myself for hours and hours. I become frustrated. Then she becomes even more infuriated and then bam!
I often flee the situation. Following this, she will leave many abusive messages and texts on my phone. She will break my most treasured possessions. She deleted my study notes from our computer and tore pages from my books. She has also cleared our joint bank account of funds, so I cannot have access to cash.
Scratching my arms and stomach with her fingernails, punches to the head, kicks to the shins. She goes crazy. I don't hit back - I restrain myself completely. I try to hold her hands down whilst she is lashing out, and then she goes even more crazy. If I swear, she uses this as a cue to also go even more nuts. I get so upset I will insult her in defence e.g. "stop you f_*^ing bi+ch!" Punching, kicking, scratching, throwing objects at me. It can last for hours. Following these outbursts, she will apologise and cry to herself asking why she loses the plot so much.
She has on one occasion done something especially horrible with me ending up at the emergency department in hospital to get stitches. But we had an overseas trip coming up together, and I know the act was not deliberate (although it was reckless). So I lied to the doctors and forgave her. She promised she would never hit me again. And I demanded that she seek counselling. She did go there soon after. The counsellor gave her some anger management literature and then said this was a couples problems and asked that I also attend future sessions. And so I went. I told of my position, though we never went into detail. The counsellor said we needed to communicate better. It did have a minor success, and things were ok for a few months.
I do care for her. All other times are great together - except for the angry times. I know it is too much. I know I should leave. What is stopping me? Embarrassment. My parents spent a lot of money on our wedding. They often asked me if I was sure I was ready to marry her. Truth is I wasn't. I couldn't face so many of my family and friends if I walked out. So many times, I've been asked "how's married life treating you?" ... "excellent", I respond. I'm so damn afraid of what will happen.
When she is hitting me, I often say, "That's the last straw ... I'm leaving". But I don't. She is wrecking my things and I stay to protect them. Hence, I don't leave. I feel stuck. And eventually the situation diffuses itself. Next day back to being an ok couple and gradually growing closer until the next outburst.
I just feel so goddamn piss-weak and alone. The situation is worse in reality than what I have described above. Why do I put up with all this crap? She says she wants to change, and she often tries to change, but fails each time. When will enough finally be enough? ... a scary question indeed. Where to from here???
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, December 17, 2008 9:14 AM
Posts: 37,
Visits: 69
|
|
This sounds like an incredibly difficult situation. It might sound like a dumb question, but have you called Mensline about this? It sure sounds like you need some support. I'm not a Mensline counsellor, but I am a trained counsellor, and it seems to me that you could benefit from getting help to work through some of the barriers that prevent you from leaving this abusive marriage. For example, you talk about embarrassment at being seen to change your mind about a marriage you were unsure about in the first place. I would be taking a look at what the beliefs are that underlie this sense of embarrassment, because you would hardly be the first person to decide that a marriage isn't right and to leave. Do you really think that people would judge you so harshly? And even if some people were judgmental, how much worse could this judgment (which in any case would probably be short-lived) be than the violence and abuse you are already experiencing. The thing is, being subjected to this kind of abuse can leave your sense of personal power so damaged that you feel completely stuck, which is where some support from a counsellor could really help.
You also mention the fact that going to a counsellor with your wife did have an effect for some time. The fact that she was prepared to go, and that there were some improvements, even if not permanent, suggests to me that this might be something worth looking into again. Changing violent behaviour takes real commitment and ongoing support.
Good luck, mate.
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, June 18, 2007 3:41 PM
Posts: 7,
Visits: 12
|
|
Mate I don't know if I have any wise words to help ease your pain or fix your relationship. I'd just like to say that leaving the current situation doesn't mean the marriage is over. It might be best for you both to have some time apart yet still meet for counseling etc. and try to work it out. All the best with it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------Men's & Family Worker Family Support Services Manning, Great Lakes, Gloucester.
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Monday, January 14, 2008 11:45 PM
Posts: 9,
Visits: 32
|
|
Fambat,
Hi I am Rustics mother and I am also a counsellor. May I suggest that you encourage your wife to seek out a doctor who specialises in women's problems. You mention it is a monthly experience - perhaps it is related to her monthly cycle and she may need her hormone levels checked and some form of medication or natural product to assist her at that time. Even a change of diet at that time, i.e. avoid sugar and salt cravings. Be careful how you suggest this and be willing to go with her and support her. It is worth a try.
All the best.
being equal is only fair if it goes both ways
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, June 19, 2007 1:03 PM
Posts: 3,
Visits: 9
|
|
Hi again.
I want to thank you for your kind words and support. You have really bolstered my self belief. I simply cannot express enough my gratitude for your thoughts and empathy for my plight.
As an update, after some stern reflection and also reading your words, my feeling of helplessness has turned into a new resolve to no longer tolerate this behaviour. And it is different this time.
To my surprise, she booked herself in for further counselling with a new counsellor. I had not even made the suggestion. His approach is very different to our previous counsellor. She seems to respond to him a lot better already. From what she told me, he is very straightforward. She will be going to him alone for several sessions and subsequently I will attend also afterwards. There is a long road ahead still.
I do hope it works out for us. When things are good, it is bliss. It's just those angry outbursts are so devastating. Ultimately, if she wants to change she will. It seems she also has a new resolve to change. Onwards I go ...
|
|
|
|
|
Forum Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, December 17, 2008 9:14 AM
Posts: 37,
Visits: 69
|
|
| Well done Fambat! This is great news. Stick to those guns mate!
|
|
|
| | |