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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, September 03, 2008 2:57 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 4
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Hi,
I am new to this forum and hoping that there is someone out there who can offer me there insight/thoughts/etc.
In March this year my wife and I separated. She moved out along with our two young sons. While things were certainly strained between us there was certainly no ill will or restrictions on access to see the boys.
Over the last 6 months we have continued to increase our contact with each other, by having dinner once a week and trying to catch up for a few hours over the weekend. This has also included a weekend away. I would describe our relationship as just good friends and that is certainly all she wants at this point in time. She has also made it quite clear that she can make no guarantees as to what the future will hold and as to whether we can work things out. She does want me in her life, but at the moment just as a friend and as the boy’s dad (which I have no question of, I not going to desert my sons just because of what has happened between us).
My problem is that I miss her and my sons a lot. I do enjoy spending time with them, but it kills me when that is over and I have to go back to my real reality. I would love to get things back on track with her, but she isn’t ready for that. I have stronger feelings for her than she does me. While I don’t want to rush her into something she is not ready for, I feel like I am being used.
The other day she asked if I wanted to go away at Easter (09). I have since said I don’t think I can’t commit to something that is 6 months away. I am confused in a way because she is saying that she can’t commit to me other than being friends, but wants me to go away in 6 months and obviously still be a major part of her life.
The dilemma I have is whether I cut off all contact with her, so I can basically get over her and move on (there is no way I could start a new relationship now because I have too much baggage), or do I keep going on with things as they are just to be told down the track sorry this is all it will ever be and then go through the pain of getting over her. Obviously though if I am not in her life then chances of getting back together become less.
I am just uncertain as to what to do. I think if she was with another guy I could actually move on, but because she is unsure and not ready for a relationship with anyone I find it near impossible to walk away from some body I still care deeply about.
Another quick question is does anyone belong to a Men’s group and if so, how do you find it. I am thinking of joining one as I don’t have a huge friendship group and need to have someone I can talk to.
Thanks
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Forum Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, September 03, 2008 4:58 PM
Posts: 26,
Visits: 39
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hi
you are in a tough place right now. it would be hard acting as a family during the times you are together only to go home and be by yourself the rest of the time.
have you considered couples counselling? it is unfair to be toyed with emotionally and it seems that this is whats happening.
have you told her the way you are feeling? maybe she is too afraid to be totally alone so she is keeping you at arms length for security. is she honest with her feelings or do you feel she is holding back?
with seperation it is hard enough as it is when children are involved so i think it is important to be very honest with your feelings( and her ). also you dont want to send mixed messages to your children as they maybe come confused as to what is actually going on.
hope something i said has helped - good luck.
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Junior Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, November 04, 2008 11:38 AM
Posts: 11,
Visits: 235
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Hi JW.
It really sounds like to me that your wife "wants her cake but eat it too"; she doesn't want the relationship, but just can't let go. Seriously mate, I think she is stringing you along emotionally. She will move on eventually and leave a devastated husk that had been building hope through her constant reinforcement that things "may work out".
I think you need to be very upfront with her and ask her what the hell is going on; is all this contact building towards getting back together or not, and if not (which it sounds like),it's time for you to move on. This contact with her is only keeping you in limbo, but making the transition to completely be out of the relationship easier for her; she's taking it slow it seems until she can completely detach.
You say that you would be able to move on if she was with someone else, but from my experience, this would absolutely devastate you since you still have deep feelings for her. Use this time whilst she isn't with anyone to move on, and when she does form another relationship the blow won't be as severe; believe me mate, that is a killer, as I found out my ex was with someone else 2 months after my split and the pain was intense.
And what's this about too much baggage for a new relationship? If you're talking about the children, then you have no worries in getting into a new relationship. I assume you're in the 30's to 40's year age bracket. Mate, just about all of us have kids, and we all find new relationships. Look at me; eighteen months split, and into my second relationship with the most gorgeous woman that I thought would be way out of my league, and we have 6 kids between us. And everything is sweet between my ex and I; we talk like good mates and the kids are totally fine now with the split.
I think it's time for you to move on and find someone that can give you what you need; the reciprocated love that you deserve, and you will most certainly find that person. As I said, your wife is making the transition to totally split easier for herself as far as I can see, not giving a damn about the poor bastard that she is toying with.
Set yourself the goal to move on and stick to it, and that new special girl will come along and sweep you off your feet (I wouldn't have believed it 18 months ago, but it does happen, and life becomes even sweeter). Cheers and good luck. Andy72
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