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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, August 13, 2008 7:45 PM
Posts: 1,
Visits: 10
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How did I become this person to the one person i loved the most. I had it all a beautiful wife and a beautiful 12 mth old son, i should have been the luckiest man in the world to have such loving people in my life. We got married in 2006 and my wife fell pregnant a short time after, i can remember how excited an happy we were screaming and shouting as we both couldn't wait to let our family know of the good news. Only a few months in to the pregnancy, i
took a turn for the worse, i found jealousy and depression. Not realizing that then, but knowing this now, (you will know once you stop and look hard at yourself and rewind the brain)i became aargumentivewith my wife about everything and we would call each other names and tell each other how much we hated each other. I being the person i was believed that if my wife said she hated me, well she hated me and that was it. (But what she was trying to say was i hate the person that you have become). I never let that feeling go, i battled with those words for a long time, moody all the time snapping at my wife friends and family for no apparent reasons, i was having my own pregnancy i was letting the devil grow inside of me.
With pride and the demon inside me i became my own worst enemy, all my wife did i turned it in to negatives, pushed all the blame to her to justify my actions. Things i did made me feel better, revengeful, strong, superior, and satisfied.
These are the things i did: question who she was on the phone too, if she was happy i would nit pick at her till we had a fight, yell abuse to make her feel worthless, call her names, bring up the past, snoop at her private things, ignore her, put her down, accused her of flirting with men on the internet, question her new clothes, belittled her, lied, threaten, and im suI theres more.
But wait, this is the best part, to me it was normal i accepted that this beautiful person that had a son to me would put up with it forever.
Febuary Februaryas the wifes brwifeg point, wtih all her mite she got me out locked the door behind me, and my pride with my little demon still growing inside me laughed out loud cursing and swearing as i was picking up my clothes of the lawn.
Months had passed and we made efforts for our son and i would spend weekends with them my wife trying to see if maybe she over reacted or i had done something to change my anger and jealousy, was it possible that we could live together with our son. No, of cause not i was still on my destruction path with my demon twin, and anything nice she suggested or tried i would turn it in to @#$!. my emotions took over, jealousy escaladed, depression, anger doubled, confusion, and my new friend called PAY BACK.
With all that she tried and fix, i did nothing, nothing but revenge her for making live away from them, my thoughts of her being unfaithful, restricting me of her movements, thinking she was putting me down, plus a host of negatives i was playing through disturbed mind, got me nothing more then a bigger and deeper black hole.
The point of no return, was a saturday in july 2008, i arrived angry, my wife seen the signs, but she tried to ignore it and was friendly to me. I took my son to the park for a while and then returned. her sister and friend called in and i started to feel different, we all went inside i steppped out side to have a smoke and when i walked in they were at my wifes computer laughing at some sought of dating sight, my anger turned in to rage, i went got in my car and parked thinking my wife was showing them men that she had met on the internet. i sent her a text asking to let mde know when they were gone then i would return. Ten minutes had passed and my anger was building then a text came through from my wife giving me the all clear. i walked in and said im taking my son to the shops for an hour, and she yelled at me and refused as she was concerned of my state saying i was to UNSTABLE.
I lost control emotions got away on me i screamed crying at her ripping my wired framed sunglasses in my hands not realizing the sharp edges stabbing in my palms, she grabbbed my son ran outside and called the police to frieghtened what i would do next.i got in my car and drove away shouting abuse with the peddle flat to the floor not caring what was in my path.
I was given a domestic violence order, but i didnt care, i will find another way to destroy her i thought. Good the brains now working overtime, get a lawyer, get a councilor, tell my family, i want everyone how unfair that bitch of a wife is, how could she, she is so unstable, she needs help, who does she think she is, ring the cops on me eh, ill get you i thought.
The more i blamed her and made her look evil and friends and family took my side the more damaging i got. I made everyone believe how destrutive she is, doesnt want me near my son, i started to be angry at her sister, because she made my wife laugh, my jealousy my anger turned me into a madman.
My wifes mother tried to give me some words of wisdom and support, but i would snarl and feel she was siding with the wife. I was invited to my wifes family occasions and i would refuse thinking i would be laughed and judged at, so i thought no not giving them the satisfaction.
What is going on here, whats happening, everyone i love i want in my life, all the stuff we did together and used to enjoy doing, im killing it all off, im that angry i cant control my sadness, lonliness, rejection,cant smile,laugh, or even feel sexually aroused.
Saturday night im flushed, mentally fatigued, my wifes away with her family interstate, ill send some nasty messages then ill go to sleep, haha i feel better now, as i push send message.
Sunday morning im up early, and i feel different, emptiness, a little weak,reserved. im in the shower longer then usaul not thinking of nothing,as i had run out of ideas. i jump out of shower walk in my room and stand in the mirror, staring right in to my eyes, and notice a tear coming out the corner of my eye. i start to wipe and say to myself who are you, what are you doing, and one tear ended up being a fountain of tears, i sat in front off the mirror feeling so empty so lonley so tired weak volunerable, beat, worthless, ugly, the emotions feelings were endless, that was my turning point and i still didnt know.
I felt so deperate, i had questions i needed to ask, i rang a helpline for men, and as soon as i got through to an operator i was overwhelmed by tears and choking on my breath and couldnt get any words out, the man on the other end was trying to calm me down and told me to take my time, there was no rush breath your doing the right thing, im here for you, i wont hang up and let you down, when your ready mate and feel like saying something say it, i want to know you. That was it a stranger that did not know me or my wife he couldnt take sides, i was silent for about 2 minutes, he said his name cant remember now and asked me mine, i choked a little and then sobbed please help me ive messed right up i dont know whats going on anymore, i have so much pain inside please help me. After a while we got talking with alot of my heart ache, and as it happened that Sunday afternoon i went to a mens council group and that was where i wanted to be listening to men with the same fears and problems, spoke 1 on 1 to a councilor, i finaly did something for myself, i felt different, happy, good, relaxed.
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Forum Member
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Wednesday, October 22, 2008 7:25 PM
Posts: 49,
Visits: 110
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Mate, sounds like you have taken the first big steps to recovery. CONGRATULATIONS.
I can't say I have ever been in that situation but have heard of it, perhaps being triggered by the wife's sudden obsession with the new baby instead of YOU. Maybe that's what happened?
Keep on with the men's group, lose the anger and hate if there is any there - and tell her what you are doing to help yourself and how you *really* feel about her and the relationship instead of the anger. And fingers crossed she responds and recognises your love.
Best of luck and keep us posted!
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