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Forum Newbie
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Last Login: Friday, August 31, 2007 9:04 AM
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Hi I’m 17 years of age and I am seeking help and advice because I love and want to help my partner, who I have been with for 1.5 years and had got engaged 1 week before my Sweet 16th birthday (yes a bit quick, but I was sure I could handle it... until the real him bit by bit came to the surface) (cliché as it sounds but true). Where do I start there is so much to say and it doesn’t help that some of the issues I have had thrown at me by my partner, I have never come across with in any previous relationship before or are just so far over my head due to my age (Not that I am immature or anything). Well I suppose I’ll give you a heads up on the back ground information so then you may be able to refer me to some avenues of help I can get.
I’m 17 and have finished year 12 last year and still currently living at home while doing a course at Tafe. I am quite a head strong girl who doesn’t comply to ‘peer pressure’ so I never have been involved in smoking, drugs, alcohol, drugs, sex and the like. I was and still am quite a respected young lady and have always had an above reproach to things and heavily involved in church. Well that last one stopped after we got engaged.
Three months of careful consideration and courting after my partner asked me out I finally said yes to begin the journey of boy friend and girl friend. This was a stressful time at that with my exams and coming down with a very bad case of glandular fever didn't help. We were very open from the very start with past relationship/ boundaries/beliefs’ and so forth seen as I was a virgin and he had been in numerous sexual relationships (Some were rather awful but I put my faith in God and took his word that he was a deferent man now and what he did in the past cant be change but now and the future can be worked on).
Alright now on to the issues we are trying to resolve:
1. Smoking, well I knew he was a full time smoker but we agreed that he will quit to save his health so that he can spend as much time with me on this earth and when it came to starting a family his sperm wont be totally shot, therefore already decreasing the chances of our children having the best start in life. I empathized with him on this account assuring him of the difficulty of committing to such a task, and was willing to give him the support and time, having already had friends and my own dad go through the same thing. But this brought up a new problem LIEING so what started of as a small problem it then got very big. He would lie in order to 'keep me happy' or 'to stop the hurt it would cause me' I tried explaining if he just would communicate in the first place about it instead of covering it up, and me finding out later there would be no hardship, because I don’t expect him to be cured just like that. But it’s now a year later he now lies about almost everything and still is smoking!
2. Pornography. (Coming from a girl who thought Ralph was a porno mag but has now changed my view to what porn is now that I have seen the real thing). As a teenager he was very much into it (FROM MAGS TO MOVIES TO THE INTERNET it was left, right and centre), he turned to it for what we together worked out to be comforting and satisfying for him while he was bored or didn’t have a girl friend. I was convinced he no longer needed to have such filth and he disposed of all the mags that took up a good portion of his looked wardrobe (just under 90 mags). But as for the stuff on his comp it had to stay there because it was used by his younger brother and sister (even sicker they shared porn). So I thought the worst was dealt with. But I was wrong while doing some work on the computer I came across some weird titled files in my partners folder filled with the unthinkable (child pornography) confronting him about it was really painful and heart breaking but not as hard as it was to make the decision to stay and support, love and care for him and get him the help he deserves. So he has now agreed to see a councilor for his problem and admits that he has one, which was the biggest step I’ve seen him take in the space of time being with me. He can’t get in to see the councilor till late September but we are dealing with it till then.
3. Aggressive/violent. If we have an argument and I’m holding and hugging him at the time he will push me away with a great deal of force if I don’t straight away let go. This has resulted with only minor injuries so far (sprains, bruises, bumps/lumps and once blood). But now must stop before he accidentally goes too far. He finds it hard to control his strength and anger, especial the weeks he’s at my house because it’s harder for him to sneak off and have a smoke without being caught. So his smoking habit I have now linked to his behavior because it was nil there when he was smoking 24/7, so that’s where all his anger and frustration went out on.
4. Unfaithful. This would have to be the saddest of them all. And only happened on Saturday which shall we say was the last straw and I told him things are over if I physical don’t start seeing an effort into our relationship. This was a wake up call for him and not being by his side for the day or so showed him that he really needs me by his side and that he really did stuff up and that I meant business when I said it was over. I’m giving him a chance now to prove himself worthy again and he is now adhering to any help provided in order to make him a better man. He accepts the fact now that I have no trust for him what so ever and understands that I too will take time to heel.
The unusual part of this is the girl he cheated on me with was actually me… I got a new sim card and for fun I didn’t tell him my number straight away and sent a message saying ‘Hi sexy’ he then seemed quite interested when he replied and I got this feeling he was actually wanting more, so I pretended to be a 15 yr old girl looking for some dirty messages and that I got his number of a mate of his. He more then obliged to get the ball rolling then giving his home number to do it over the phone, I was brought to tears and devastation then received another message saying he wouldn’t tell any one if I came up and he had sex with me (the 15 yr old Lisa that was in actual fact really his fiancé). I was very straight forward at the start of our relationship just like all my other relationships that I believe in no sex before marriage, but I suppose cause he was so much more older he was able to persuade me and I gave in (which shocked my self but I suppose I did feel ready and still look back and believe I was, it was simply he just wasn’t on the same level I was when we decided to but he’s male and I am female there’s two different levels there to begin with. And with time, soon came to realize that and so I stopped so he felt he had to go elsewhere which he knows was hurtful and wrong no matter how badly he wanted it. There is also the problem where he treats me good when I satisfy his sexual urges but when I don’t he doesn’t want to know or care even to show that he cares about me. We have now come to an agreement on no sexual contact till we get married (minus kissing and cuddling) the date is 18 months a way but will be altered if more time is needed or he doesn’t try to even help himself with the problems I am putting all my time and energy into resolving.
Well this turned out to be longer then I thought well actually extremely long. But surprisingly there is still so much more stuff that I haven’t yet touched on. But starting with what I got written down so far is a start in itself. We will be starting counseling together next month, and my partner will be using this site and hotline and so will I to show that I am still very much so here for him. And I would very much appreciate any advice that could help us. I am very serious and committed in making this work and will be very thankful for any advice given.
Cheers,
Mle
Trust is Everything
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I'd strongly suggest you get right out of that relationship! The thing that caught my attention was he proposed to you when you were only 15!! Not only that, you found child pornography on his computer, and he admits to having a problem. I'd hate to be the one to break it to ya but you are his child porn. You were a child when you got together with this man who was about 24 years old at the time. Most 24 year olds date girls their own age or around, not propose to a 15 year old girl.
This man needs serious help and he needs to get it fast before he ends up preying on an innocent child.
You don't need to be involved with that because you are better than that. You are a very smart young lady with a good start in life. Don't waste it on this man. He will only make your life miserable.
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Forum Newbie
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Hi there,
Yes thats a big load to have. So lets start from 1 let him smoke he will give up when time is right.
2 put it all in gods hands saying that it's hard as I used to go to church alot and have strong belief untill I got together with my wife so I agree it's hard.
3 counselling is worth it and it's good that you both want to have a go, un like my wife who won't admit she has a problem so it's one sided so good luck your on your way.
one day at time one day at a time.
I also was a violent man my 1st wife left me cause of it I was so angry at life within myself and don't know why still today. I lost a beautiful thing. Going on to 2nd marriage I know that porn is a big thing I still from time to time dabble in it as I find it fix as our passsion has left(not the answer but unless there's 2 that want to fix things then yes) we have arguements as it makes some kind tension.
so thats my advice stick at it I hope that you still are.
I am 30yrs and wife is 35yrs.
Find people to be around you to help chat with.
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Forum Newbie
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Last Login: Tuesday, February 12, 2008 4:32 PM
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mmmmm you certainly sound so mature for your age. I often wonder why a person falls in love with another person? The reason being is that once 2 people become an item they begin to attempt to change another from the person they feel in love in the first place. And I assume your man smoked before you both became an item? If he is to give up smoking, he should be the one to decide. Forcement in anything is not always the answer as one may come to resent it later on. Reading your comments makes me imagine you as a strong young girl who has been brought up with some christian values. However it is important that you realise that your partner may not have the same values and that if you both are to grow together then both must compromise. You are a great communicator and this a strenght you should use to make your partner aware of how you feel. Hopefully he will be able to do the same in return. Goodluck.
Les
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Last Login: Friday, May 09, 2008 8:05 AM
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He is not mature. It is as simple as that.
paulxyz
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You certainly have a lot on you plate. Being a father with an adult daughter, there is no wat that I would let her date someone who was giving her that much grief. I don't have much of an issue with the smoking but I certainly would have an issue with the internet porn. I can understand the curiosity of a young teen/adult accessing those sites for curiosity but to continue at his age, particularly as you are the love of his life, is like cheating on your girlfriend/ partner in my opinion. What could he possibly get from porn that you could not satisfy. Porn has its uses but it doesn't belong in a relationship.
The other alarming issue is that he shows a tendency towards violence, there is no way I would let my daughter tolerate that for a minute. That in itself should be setting off alarm bells.
Think carefully about your future.
Cheers
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Forum Newbie
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