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Hi there
Please excuse my awkwardness as I explain my husbands situation as I am not used to sharing in such a 'public way'?!
My husband and I met 3 and a half years ago now, we are now happily married and have a very happy loving family life with his 2 children from a previous marriage. We have the children about 60% of the time and while it has completely changed my life (I am 25 years old - no children) it is very fulfilling and I am very lucky that the children and I have a mutual respect and great love for one another!! When my husband and I first met he had a lot of emotional 'baggage' (he had been separated for 4 years at this stage) and was carrying a lot of sadness - he couldn't deal with the fact that his kids were not asleep in the room next door each night and he didn't know that they were ok etc... you would never know these issues were going on his head but once we got to know each other he really opened up and it wouldn't be unusual vforf him to become quite emotional on a Saturday night after a couple of beers (not many just enough to relax him) for him to become emotional and talk. He had done this previously only with his mother as he had never felt close enough to anyone else for him to open up to - which is great but
He has since dealt with this very well - but only really once he and I met each other and we talked to work through issues and he is much better now - ie. he would let the boys sleep in his/our bed etc... Got very emotional on the weekend we didn't have the boys. In the separation he lost his boys for part of the week, he lost his home and became quite depressed for a period of time - since this time he has achieved so much - he established his own business which is booming, is a fantastic cricketer, widened his friendship group, became remarried (to me), we have just employed 2 new emloyees and we are starting to plan for children of our own.
The problem - In talking last night we were debating the relevance on sociological and psychologial theories in everyday life(I am currently back at uni completing my education bachelor degree) - I can see how elements of each areapparent whereas Scott considers it is all circumstantial and nobody has the right to develop a theory without going through certain challenges - this continued and I couldn't break through the screen he was presenting - eventually he revealed that something happened to him in year 7 or 8 whilst at school and because of it it spiralled into depresseion, anxiety etc... he did not attend full time schooling for 2 years and when he did his father would meet him for lunch - he became quite distressedin talking about it because he knew something had happened to cause this reaction but he didn't know what - he couldn't remember. I am so so so so very worried about this and am not sure how to address the issue. Does it affect his life now? Well not really but when I think about his 'over the top' reactions to things (he can become quite aggressive in his speech if there is a disagreement - no abuse just very 'passionate')maybe there are underlying issues. When he drinks he says very bizarre and strange things - he is often quite 'mean and nasty' to me but in the morning has no recollection of saying anything....
Does anyone else have any ideas for how I can support him better.
Suz
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Forum Newbie
Group: Forum Members
Last Login: Tuesday, June 03, 2008 5:52 PM
Posts: 2,
Visits: 8
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As male I need to advise you too stop phsyco analysing him. This is a dangerous path to take. As a male we need to be careful of our drinking habits and effects. Without digging tell him how it makes it feel when he drinks even slightly. Tell him your feelings - this all about you not the result of him being being a certain way.
Example: Tell him in your kind words - when you drink it makes me feel like ------- . If you explain in logic your feelings this maybe a wakeup call. The last thing he'll want to do is make you feel more insecure with him. All men above all else want from their partners is to be appreciated and feel like they are making their partner happy and content. I have been the hard road of seperation and final divorce. As men we'll often alleviate the pain with a few drinks. Care - We need to be careful ( I need too). When alcohol drowns the brain, the control control centre of the brain giving one SELF control is put to sleep and subdued. The reactions you getting are very VERY mild bi-polar - mild mood swings within the emotional part of us men. You should not when he is under this influence of alcohol go too deeply with him and examine the "altered state" under this influence.
Tell him your feelings. I feel afraid, or insecure or it makes me unhappy. Become simple here as we men do not understand emotion as it wells up and overwhelms us in strong ways.
Here you count all as the most important person, you are important and how it makes you feel. By getting in touch with your own feeling and expressing them to him, he will learn to understand. When a woman undertaking such education attempts to be clinical, we men become more defensive. As an interesting side note, my ex [wife] was studying at Uni to become a counsellor. This created a situation where her feelings became more hidden from me and it it felt like I was being manipulated to be something I was not. Instead of her to telling me her real true heartfelt feelings, it eventually alientated herself from me.
I hope this has helped you in someway.
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