Controlling your Anger

1. Do you sometimes have trouble controlling your temper?
2. Have you ever become angry and regretted your actions later?
3. Has anyone ever complained to you about your anger?
4. Have you ever lost control of your anger to the point where you became violent or abusive?

Anger is a basic human emotion and feeling angry is OK. It is what we do with our anger (how we express it) that can be problematic.

When anger is expressed in an abusive or violent manner this is unacceptable behaviour. We need to learn how to manage our emotion so that its expression is not harmful or disrespectful.

One way to look at this is: Anger is an emotion ... Violence is a choice.

Recognising the warning signs

In order to control your anger, you first need to be able to recognise the signs that you are starting to get angry.
Which of these physical signs of building anger do you recognise from your own experience?

• Sensations of heat and flushing in the face
• Muscular tightening, especially around the jaw and arms
• A sensation of building pressure in the head
• Elevated heart rate and breathing
• Sweating

These physical signs are all indications that your body is preparing for 'fight or flight', our primitive response to threat.
Once you recognise that you are getting angry, then you have the opportunity to do something to diffuse the situation before it gets out of control. Here are some techniques you can try.

Controlled breathing

When angry, our breath tends to start coming fast and shallow. Slowing and deepening the breath can have a calming effect. Try taking five long, slow breaths. Relax the muscles in your arms and face.

Time Out

Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation where you are starting to feel angry is to get away from the situation for a while, in order to calm down and think clearly about the situation. If you are having an argument, you can say to the other person something like, "Listen, I think I need to take a break for a bit. I'll come back and we can sort this out in half an hour."

Talk yourself down not up

Self talk has the ability to act like petrol or water on the 'fire' of anger. Saying things to yourself like, "This person is an idiot!" or "How dare she talk to me like that?" is likely to increase your feelings of anger. Instead, try calming self-statements such as:

• "Cool it. You can handle this."
• "No point flying off the handle. Let's just take a few breaths."
• "I'm not going to let this get to me."
• "Relax..."

Skills to avoid getting angry in the first place

Whilst these anger management techniques can help to calm you down in a crisis, they don't address the causes of excessive anger. Conflict is inevitable in relationships, but this doesn't mean that every disagreement needs to lead to an angry fight.

Relaxation

Anger can be the result of a build up of unresolved stress, bottling things up, or a front for other unexpressed emotions. Learning relaxation skills can help you to release the physical tension in the body which can contribute to anger problems. Relaxation classes are often offered at low cost by places such as community health centres.

Changing the beliefs that contribute to anger

Some anger problems are related to underlying belief systems about how the world "should" be. If you have a belief that the world should or must conform to your expectations, when in fact it often doesn't, you may experience a lot of frustration and anger.