Family violence is any type of abusive behaviour by one partner that attempts to gain and maintain control over the other. Family violence is when one partner consciously tries to, or actually manipulates and dominates the other. It is about power and control and can take many forms including physical violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse or social or financial control. Abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be considered family violence. [1]

Family violence can happen in all types of relationships: gay, lesbian or heterosexual; monogamous, open or three-way; dating, new relationships or long-term; live in or not, and in a recent survey one third of gays and lesbians said they'd been physically abused by a partner.[2] Family Violence happens across all communities, social classes, ages, cultural backgrounds and geographical areas.  However, there are a number of aspects that are unique to same sex family violence. These include:

• 'Outing' as a method of control
  If the abused partner isn't out to their family, friends, and workmates or within their cultural community; the abusive partner may use 'outing' or the threat of 'outing' as a method of control.

• The abuse becomes associated with sexuality
  For individuals new to gay or lesbian relationships, sexual identity can become associated with the abuse, and they can end up blaming the abuse on their sexuality, with thoughts like; �I'm experiencing this abuse because I'm gay/lesbian. If I wasn't gay/lesbian I wouldn't be experiencing this. I hate being gay/lesbian.�

• Family violence isn't well understood in the community
  There hasn't been much information or discussion in the gay and lesbian communities about family violence in relationships. Most information on family violence relates to heterosexual relationships with the man abusing the woman. This lack of understanding means that some people may not:
  
  • Believe it happens in same sex relationships;
  • Recognise abuse as family violence if it does happen to them and/or
  • Know how to respond if they see violence in their friend's or family members' relationships.

Does your relationship have a family violenceproblem? To assess your relationship, answer the following questions:

Has, or does, your partner:

• Call you names or make fun of you in a way that is designed to hurt you?
• Humiliate you in front of friends, family or in public?
• Threaten to 'out' you to your family or work?
• Prevent you from attending gay/lesbian events or other events or venues?
• Have sudden outbursts of anger?
• Act over-protective and become jealous for no reason?
• Make it difficult, or prevent you from seeing friends or family?
• Control your money against your will?
• Threaten you with violence or push, punch, slap, hit, kick or throw things at you?
• Physically or emotionally hurt your children?
• Hurt your pets?
• Pressure, force or trick you into having unsafe sex?
• Involving you in BDSM without consent?
• Make you have sex with other people?
• Make you engage in any other sexual acts you are not comfortable with or that are unsafe?
• Threaten your children?
• Tell, or threaten to tell others about your health status without your permission?
• Isolate you from your cultural background or prevent you from practising your religion?
• Withhold or stop you from getting medication or treatments?

Or do you...

• Change your behaviour or your appearance so your partner doesn't get angry?
• Avoid talking about money or other topics?
• Feel scared, anxious or like you are 'walking on eggshells'?
• Isolate yourself from friends and family?

If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be experiencing family violence.

Within the Same Sex Community, there are some common misconceptions about family violence. 
Family violence is about power and control and will almost always involve a number of forms of abuse, for example emotional, physical, sexual or social abuse.  Regardless of whether an abused partner may be able to fight back during a particular incident they are still experiencing family violence.

Law and the police
Threats, stalking and physical and sexual violence are all illegal. The law offers the same protection to same sex victims of family violence as it does to heterosexual victims - including police protection and access to Apprehended Violence Orders. It also allows for division of joint property after two years of living together.
The police have a responsibility to provide assistance and protection to anyone experiencing illegal forms of domestic violence - regardless of their sexuality. If someone feels the police or other legal service response hasn't been adequate or appropriate they have the right to make a complaint.

In an emergency, call 000.  If it is not an emergency, you may prefer to speak with a Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer (GLLO) who has had training in working with members of the gay and lesbian community, and are found at many major stations around Australia. Alternately, you may wish to speak with a Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (DVLO) who has special training in working with people who are experiencing domestic violence. Most stations have a DVLO. To contact a GLLO or DVLO call the Police Switchboard in your state and ask for the station or officer nearest you.

Adelaide: (08) 8416 2811
Brisbane: (07) 3222 1222
Canberra: (02) 6256 7777
Darwin: (08) 8981 1044
Hobart: (03) 6231 0166
Melbourne: (03) 9607 7777
Perth: (08) 9320 3444
Sydney: (02) 9286 4000

Ability to meet other gay or lesbian people
One form of abuse is social isolation. Some people worry that if they leave their abusive partner they will end up isolated and alone. This is especially true for people in their first same sex relationship. But there are many community groups that can help people make connections with other gay men or lesbians.

(BDSM) power and control
BDSM is a negotiated sexual activity that may involve hitting, slapping, pain, coercion, or dominance. Some people may adopt long term roles of dominance or submission. These are conscious and consensual activities where all parties agree to their roles as well as the time and place for a particular scene. In a family violence situation the abused partner does not consent to the abusive activities.

If you or someone you know is using or experiencing family violence, there are people who can help; Mensline Australia offers counselling, support and referral to local family violence services for everyone involved.
You will not solve it on your own. Many men have tried. Talk to someone about it now.

© 2007 Mensline Australia.
Author: Lauren Coates