Approximately two-thirds of separations in heterosexual relationships are initiated by the woman.  Many of the men in these situations acknowledge that it came as a complete surprise.  Many did not recognise the warning signs that the relationship was in trouble or they chose to ignore the signs in the hope that things would get better.

The experience of separation or family breakdown is distressing for all concerned.  It is particularly devastating if you are taken by surprise and if you are the one who is then left and not the one who leaves.

Each relationship is unique as are the two people in the relationship. There is no sure way to predict a relationship will end. What one couple will put up with, can drive another apart. As with bodily sickness, however, there are always clear signals that all is not well. Watching for and recognising these signs and acting promptly may prevent a likely breakdown and separation.

Common signs:

• Difference is criticized rather than enjoyed
• Put-downs are more common than compliments
• Communication is minimal and often negative
• One or both spend longer hours away from each other
• One partner indicates the relationship is in trouble
• One partner is not prepared to listen
• Conflict leads to resentment, not resolution
• Fewer fun moments and humour is often at other’s expense

Do you recognise any of these? What is your response – ignore and act as though nothing is wrong? Blame your partner for what is happening? Hope that problems will go away and things will get better? Expect your wife or partner to do something about it? All too often problems do not go away, they just go underground. The health and wellbeing of a relationship is the responsibility of both parties. Here are some things you might do if you if you sense that all is not well:

• If your partner says she feels things are not OK, listen to her.
• Listen to what is not said as well as what is said.
• Use “I” statements like; “I feel hurt when you say that”
• Talk about things the other can change, like their behaviour, rather than their personality.
• Make times to talk and connect on a regular basis.
• Show interest in the other’s life; know what’s important to them.
• Be clear, but realistic, about you need and want for her.
• Do something kind.  The favour is often returned

One of the aspects of good relationships is that they have lots more positive moments than negative ones.  The tips above are about maximizing the positive moments and minimizing the negative ones.  It’s not the fights that do the damage in relationships, it’s how we fight.  If couples keep the deposit of positive experiences high, and negative experiences low by fighting fair, they have a much better chance of surviving.

Author: Julian Browne & Terry Melvin
Copyright © Mensline Australia 2004