Parenting

My step-children won't accept discipline from me. What can I do?

Parenting in step-families is complex, far more complex than in non-step families. Step-children frequently resent the fact that a stranger they have not chosen is entering their lives and presuming (in their minds) to assume the role of parent. They may – unfairly – blame the step-father for the loss of their relationship with their biological father. Furthermore there is no particular reason why step-parents and step-children should or will like, let alone love, one another. The absence of an affectionate or at least respectful relationship between step-parents and children can make discipline very difficult.

For you as a step-father, there are other issues. Many step-fathers are fearful of permanently losing their relationship with their step-child if they are too strict. This is rarely an issue between parents and their biological or adopted children, where the underlying strength of the bond is usually taken for granted. This anxiety can make them unsure about how strict to be. Children can sometimes pick up on this and exploit it.

All these factors can make you uncertain of your role in relation to step-children. Usually a heavy-handed approach backfires. Young children may submit to discipline from an authoritarian step-parent, but they will resent it and the control is likely to break down as they grow older. It is generally a mistake to try to discipline step-children too early. Discipline cannot truly be enforced without some foundation of trust and mutual respect.

Here are a few tips for helping to be more effective in disciplining your step-children:

1. Negotiate rules with your partner in advance so you aren't sending mixed messages. Different ideas about the step-father's role in disciplining children are a frequent cause of relationship friction in step-families.
2. Avoid loud, blaming or abusive words (e.g. 'Are you stupid?' 'You are very bad!' etc.). Talk in a firm, clear manner without using put-downs.
3. Have clear rules and try to get your step-children to agree on these before you try to enforce them.
4. Explain the reason for rules, don't just say, 'Because I say so!'
5. Fit the consequence to the offence. Over-the-top punishments only create resentment.
6. Avoid getting into power struggles. Pick your battles carefully.
7. Explain that you can never replace your step-children's biological father and will never try to.
8. Accept that you will make mistakes and sometimes be unfair. Just do your best!

See the step-families links on our links page for more information about how to manage the complexities of step-parenting.

My teenage child is out of control. What should I do?

Parenting teenagers is a big challenge. The teenage years are a time in which young people experiment with their identities and challenge parental authority in preparation for establishing themselves as independent adults. Although uncomfortable for parents, the rebellion of adolescence is an absolutely necessary and important developmental stage.

However, this does not mean that teenagers do not need limits. Although they may complain about the boundaries placed around their behaviour, adolescents feel more secure if they know what the rules are. It is important to have firm guidelines about what your teenage child is and is not allowed to do, what time they should be home by, and so on.

On the other hand, research has shown that an authoritarian approach – the iron fist – usually backfires. If a young person feels that their parent is unreasonably harsh and does not respect their judgement or trust them, then they can react by rejecting the parent's control altogether.

Here are some simple tips for effective parenting of teenage children:

• Be aware of the fact that your child is growing and changing and adapt rules to suit their level of maturity and judgment. Loosening controls may feel scary at times, and their may be times when your child makes a mistake, but in doing so they will learn.
• Try 'active listening' with your child. Active listening means listening without judgements, reactions or attempts to 'fix'. Listen and try to understand the world your child lives in, and their experience and perspective.
• Admit your mistakes and be prepared to compromise.
• Don't expect hard and fast rules about things like sex, alcohol and drugs to deal with these complex challenges. Talk honestly about these subjects and help your child to understand the risks so that they can make mature decisions when confronted by situations.
• Remember what you got up to when you were an adolescent. It may help you to keep perspective!
• Admitting to your child that you have never parented a teenager before and therefore may need some help from them could establish a collaborative relationship with your teenager and demonstrate that you trust and value their input.