We all have feelings. Men and women typically handle emotions in quite different ways. When upset, women are likely to express their feelings directly, and to seek the support of friends and family, whereas men might typically hide their emotions or withdraw. What explains these differences?

What makes a man?

Men in Western cultures (and many other cultures too) are socialised to hide their emotions, be self-reliant, and ‘act’ rather than feel. These notions are embodied in the cultural stereotypes of the heroic male, so often represented in film and television. Fearless, resourceful, stoic and usually facing adversity alone, these characters tell us a lot about what our culture considers ideal male behaviour.

More powerful than film characters are the roles we see our parents playing. Many men have experienced fathers who were emotionally distant, who rarely if ever cried or expressed affection outwardly. The way we see our parents behave becomes the unconscious template on which our own behaviour as adults is built.

The four basic emotions

It is helpful to think in terms of four basic human emotions: sadness, anger, happiness and fear. These are sometimes referred to as ‘sad, mad, glad and bad.’ Of these four emotions, only anger, and to a lesser extent, happiness, are considered truly ‘manly’ in the conventional model of masculinity. Yet fear and sadness are universal to the human species, not just women! These emotions serve a valuable purpose and are normal responses to threat and loss.

Because of the taboo against these supposedly ‘weak’ emotions, men often ‘bottle up’ their sadness and anxiety, and channel it into the emotion most available to them: anger. This can cause some men who are suffering emotionally to become powder kegs of potentially violent rage.

Because they have been taught to suppress their feelings, many men simply do not have the words to describe their own feeling states. This can lead to great frustration in relationship when they cannot express their needs, fears and griefs. Men often feel overwhelmed by their female partners when it comes to discussing emotional issues, because they cannot articulate their feelings or stand up for them. This can leave them feeling confused, angry and powerless.

The costs of ‘bottling up’ emotion

The restriction of emotional expression in many men’s lives can lead to many problems including:

• Health issues, due to carrying chronic tension in the body.
• Relationship difficulties due to an inability to resolve emotional conflicts and/or a perceived lack of ability to be intimate.
• Psychological problems such as depression, insomnia and anxiety.
• Behavioural issues such as violence when bottled up emotions are channelled into violent outbursts.

Getting in touch

Men are often told they have to ‘get in touch with their feelings,’ but what does this really mean and how do you do it? Here are some strategies for getting to know your own feelings better:

• Be aware of the sensations in your body. Emotion always manifests somewhere in the body. Anger might be experienced as a flush of heat in the face, sadness as a tightening throat, anxiety as a knot in the stomach. Practicing some forms of meditation can help you to get in touch with these sensations and learn to understand what they mean.
• When you are feeling angry, ask yourself what other emotions you might be feeling? Are you really sad underneath, or afraid?
• Take the risk of showing your vulnerability with people who you feel safe with. Give yourself permission to be a human, not a robot.
• Break the mould; ask for help when you need it.
• Learn to put words to what you are feeling.
• Try counselling. Talking with a ‘professional listener’ may help you identify the feelings behind a particular concern.
• Identifying and expressing feelings is learnt behaviour – it only takes practice.

© 2007 Mensline Australia.
Author: Pierz Newton-John