Conflict can occur when opposing points of view come face to face.  Conflict is a normal part of our relationships, and is perfectly healthy if handled well. Unfortunately, sometimes conflict escalates and becomes destructive in relationships.

When conflict begins to heat up, we often begin to feel strong emotion.  For many people, it is hard to keep a clear head while having strong feelings.  It’s also much harder to listen to the other person’s point of view.  Some people begin to place themselves in a “win at all costs” position.  Others want to retreat and hide, either physically or emotionally.  It’s normal for people to respond differently to conflict.  It often has something to do with the way we are brought up.  One common thread, however, is that our communication patterns can become destructive.

Some questions worth asking yourself about the conflict in your life:

• Do the people involved feel shut-out or heard?
• Is the conflict leading to “win-lose” or compromise?
• Is the communication destructive or respectful?
• Am I just reacting, or listening and responding?
• Does this communication have negative, or positive results?

Here are some useful tips for handling conflict:

• Listen to the other’s point of view, and check out that you’ve got it right
• See where you can compromise – what is most important or least important to you
• Try to keep your talk respectful; no put-downs or sarcasm
• Make “I” statements; “when you say that, I feel…” (no-one can argue with that)
• If things are heating up, ask for time out, and take it
• Respect the other’s point of view
• If old patterns aren’t working, try something new
• If one type of communication isn’t working, try a new one (letters, e-mail, phone)

When the conflict has escalated to a certain point, it becomes almost impossible to consider another’s point of view.  This might be the time to bring in a third person such as a mediator.  There are many agencies that offer this service, your Mensline Australia counsellor can let you know of one close to you.

Finally, it’s important to make the following points:

• Abuse in any form is never OK.  We should neither abuse others, nor accept it from others.
• The responsibility for our own communication lies with us alone.  No-one “makes” us say things, we have a choice.
• Restricting another’s options through either physical or emotional control is never OK.  If this is what you are doing, or receiving, it might be time to talk to someone about it.
• Physical violence is highly destructive and illegal, including with children.  If this is a part of the conflict in your life, it’s important that you seek some help and advice. 

Copyright © Mensline Australia 2004