Frequently Asked Questions
The following are some of the questions our counsellors are frequently asked
by callers. Please note that the responses to these questions are necessarily
general and may not apply to your individual circumstances. Please call the
helpline if you need further information.
Separation and divorce
Where can I get legal advice?
Community Legal Centres and legal help-lines offer free legal advice. Legal
Aid in your state may also be able to offer free advice. Law associations can
usually refer you to a solicitor in your area. Search our services directory for
legal services close to where you live. The Family Relationships Advice Line
(1800 050 321) also provides legal
referrals Australia-wide.
My wife has said she is going to leave me. What do I need to know?
There are three important practical areas you need to consider if you are
facing divorce: division of property, maintenance payments and residency
of/contact with children. Hopefully you will be able to settle some or all of
these matters without recourse to lawyers. This is clearly the preferred option
as court proceedings may be lengthy and very expensive. They are also extremely
stressful and can involve considerable hostility, which can have a very damaging
effect on children caught in the cross-fire. However, even though court should
be avoided if at all possible, it is wise to seek legal advice in order to get a
clear understanding of your legal rights and responsibilities in the event that
matters do have to go to formal proceedings. Note that from July 1st, 2007 it
will be a legal requirement for separating couples to go through a mediation
process prior to taking their case to court.
After separation, you may be required to pay child maintenance to your
ex-wife to contribute to the cost of raising your children. The amount you will
need to pay will depend on a range of factors including how many children you
have and how old they are, your income, your wife's income, and the amount of
time you spend looking after your children each week. The formula is set by
legislation. The Child Support Agency (CSA) is the government body responsible
for making assessments and helping separated parents manage their financial
responsibilities towards their children. In the event of separation, you will
need to make contact with CSA to arrange an assessment. Note that separated
parents can also make a private maintenance arrangement without going through
CSA, if both parties agree.
Residency and contact arrangements for children are often the area that is
most difficult for separated parents. A good idea is to prepare a parenting
plan, which is a written, signed and dated agreement outlining care arrangements
for your children. The main purpose is to specify who cares for which children
and when, but it may also cover such areas as who pays for what expenses, as
well as other matters such as choice of school, house rules and so on. A
parenting plan is not legally enforceable (unless made before 14th January,
2004), although it can be converted into an enforceable 'consent order' if both
parties agree. Mediation can help this process if parents are having trouble
agreeing or even discussing arrangements. Contact the Family Relationships
Advice Line (1800 050 321), the Family
Court of Australia or your local Family Relationships Centre to find out more
about how to formalise a parenting plan.
Will I ever get over the pain of divorce?
Like any major loss, divorce brings with it a grieving process. How painful
this experience is and how long it lasts can vary enormously. Even when a
relationship has deteriorated to the point that both people feel quite certain
of the need for a divorce, the pain of separation can still be very intense.
There are many losses involved in a divorce, including children, identity, and
emotional and financial security. Men can also grieve the loss of roles such as
husband, partner or full-time dad.
In the throes of grief, it is easy to imagine that the pain will go on
forever. However, with time the pain does diminish and eventually it becomes
possible to move forward and put it in the past. Unfortunately it is not
possible to say how long this will take. Grieving is a natural, human process
for dealing with and coming to accept loss. Like the healing of the body, it
occurs in its own time and cannot be hurried.
What is important is getting support to allow you to talk about what you are
going through and to reduce the loneliness that many men feel during this time.
This could be through seeing a face to face counsellor, attending a men's group,
or participating in MensLine's callback counselling service. There are no
short-cuts, but regular support can help you to reach the point sooner where you
are able to say that your divorce is a part of your past, rather than your
present.
Top
Marriage and relationship issues
My wife/partner and I have recently been fighting a lot. She has suggested
counselling, but I'm not so sure about it. What should I do?
There are a number of common misconceptions that can make people reluctant to
seek counselling for relationship difficulties. Some men fear that the
counsellor will 'take sides,' especially if they feel that their partner is more
able to express their feelings or to talk about the problems in the
relationship. Counsellors are trained to remain neutral in their dealings with
couples. If one partner is finding it more difficult to talk than the other, the
counsellor will try to assist them to find ways to communicate better, and will
not assume that their point of view is not important, or that they don't have
one.
Good couples counsellors will not have a fixed idea about the goal of
counselling. Their goal is to assist you as a couple to clarify your goals and
feelings; it is not necessarily to 'keep you together' at all costs. If you are
clear that you wish to stay together, they will try to help you to improve your
relationship. If you decide that you need to separate, they will respect this
choice and support you.
Another fear some men express is the perception that counselling services are
run 'by women, for women.' Couples counselling is not gender-biased. Couples
counsellors recognise that men often have different perspectives and priorities
than their female partner, and will work even-handedly with both. There are also
many male counsellors working in this field, although the gender of the
counsellor is less important than their ability to listen to and understand both
of your points of view.
If you are concerned about couples counselling, individual counselling may be
an option, either as a first step or as an alternative to couples counselling.
Individual counselling, although focussing on one person, can still help to
improve a relationship if it helps you to learn better communication skills or
to manage your own emotions better.
Sometimes people are put off counselling by stories they hear about other
peoples' bad experiences. Although the great majority of counsellors are highly
skilled, professional and well-trained, there is always the possibility of a
particular counsellor not suiting you. It is important that you 'click' with
your counsellor. If for whatever reason you feel that the counselling process is
not working for you, and you have fed that back to the counsellor and nothing
has changed, then you are entitled to look for another counsellor. By
comparison, if a repairman did a bad job on your house, you would seek another
tradesman. You wouldn't assume that the house can't be fixed.
Remember that relationship counselling is very unlikely to cause any harm to
your relationship, and is far more likely to improve it. Most men who are
initially anxious about the idea of counselling find it to be a positive and
helpful experience once they give it a go. As an initial step, you may like to
consider calling MensLine to get an idea about what counselling is like. For
counselling services in your area, see our services directory.
My wife and I have recently had a baby. I work full time and I feel
overwhelmed when my wife expects me to look after the baby after I get home from
work. What should I do?
The key issue here is communication of expectations. When a couple have their
first baby, they frequently don't know what to expect and may underestimate how
demanding the care of an infant can be. It is important therefore to negotiate
some ground rules that are acceptable to both parties. There are no 'right
answers.' Each couple must work out their own rules. Looking after a baby is
very tiring and it is understandable that your wife would feel the need for a
break at the end of the day, just as you may after a long day at work. The fact
that both of you are tired at the same time can lead to a conflict between your
needs. The solution might involve setting aside some time for both of you to
take a break (say, an hour for you and an hour for her), or alternating the days
when each of you takes responsibility for caring for the baby after work. You
might also discuss how paid, casual child care could help to lighten the
burden.
Arguing about who works harder and is more deserving of a break is a 'blame
game' that usually only leads to both of you feeling under-appreciated and
misunderstood. Listen to each other's needs and try to approach the issue as
cooperative partners rather than adversaries.
I suspect I may not be the father of my child. How can I find out?
The answer to this depends on whether or not the mother of your child agrees
to provide a sample for DNA-testing. In most cases, the DNA of the mother, the
child and the man is taken, although in exceptional circumstances a (less
reliable) test can be done without the mother's DNA. In the event that the
mother agrees to provide a sample, and gives permission for a sample to be taken
from the child, there are a number of private companies that provide
paternity-testing services (see our services
directory)
You can choose to have a test that will be accepted as evidence of paternity
in court, or an 'informal' test. Legally admissible tests cost more because the
DNA samples must be collected by an independent agent and there are more
rigorous procedures.
If the mother of your child is not willing to provide a sample, you may be
able to obtain a court order through the Family Court. You will need to seek
legal advice about the correct procedure to obtain this order. You may have to
establish a case for why you believe you may not be the father.
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Post-separation issues
I want to get more time with my children. What can I do?
Any move towards renegotiating the amount of contact you have with your
children should begin with an informal approach to your ex-partner to discuss
the issue and request the changed arrangements. In the event that she refuses
your request, you can seek professional mediation. A mediator is a neutral third
party who can sit with you both to try to help you to arrive at a mutually
acceptable arrangement. You can find mediation services in your area by looking
up our services directory.
The final option if mediation fails is to seek an amendment of your
contact/residency arrangements through the Family Court. Be aware that from July
31st, 2007 it will be a legal requirement that all parties go through a
mediation process before bringing their case to the Family Court.
I am concerned that my ex-wife/partner is not looking after my children
properly. What can I do?
The first step if you are concerned about the way your ex-wife or partner is
looking after your children is to discuss the issue with her and tell her your
concerns. Obviously this requires sensitivity. You are much more likely to get a
satisfactory result if you approach her in a spirit of concern rather than
blame. The following are some tips:
- State your observations factually rather than emotively. Don't exaggerate,
but just state what you have noticed that concerns you.
- Avoid blaming language and generalisations ("You never…" "You're a bad
mother/ a slob etc.")
- Focus on solutions rather than problems.
- Rather than looking for your ex-wife's or partner's faults, focus on what
support she might need to care for the children better. Can you help in any way?
Are there any community services that could assist?
- Try to reach a plan together.
- Agree to meet again to see how things are going and whether the plan is
working.
Obviously, in many situations, such ideal communication will not be possible
due to many factors, including all the 'baggage' of your past relationship
together. If you are unable to make any progress on the issue together, you
could suggest seeking the services of a mediator to help you reach an agreement
on a way forward.
If you have serious concerns which you are unable to resolve, you might wish
to approach a child abuse prevention organisation. These agencies are in most
areas (look up 'Child Protection' in our services directory),
and can look at developing a plan to support your ex-partner to provide better
care for your children.
Finally, if you have grounds to believe that your children are at serious
risk or are being harmed or neglected by their mother, you can formally notify
Child Protective Services about the situation. This does not always mean that
the children will be removed from their mother's care. This would only occur as
a last resort, after other attempts to resolve the issue (through, for example,
linking the mother with community support agencies) have failed.
Whenever I see my ex-wife/partner to pick up my kids, we end up having a
fight, and I am concerned how this is affecting our children. How can I stop
this?
Due to the ongoing anger and bitterness of some separations, picking up and
dropping off children can sometimes be the point at which tensions flare up.
Research shows that witnessing such disputes between parents can have a harmful
effect on children. The first step if you wish to prevent this harm from
occurring is to attempt to reach an agreement with your ex-wife/partner not to
argue in front of your children. If there are issues that need to be discussed,
agree to talk about them at some other time when the children are not present,
for example on the telephone when the children are in their beds asleep. If this
does not work, you could consider using a drop-off centre in your area. These
centres allow parents to drop off their children for collection by the other
parent at a safe place, so that the parents do not have to come into direct
contact. These can be found under "Contact Centres" in our service directory.
Top
Parenting
My step-children won't accept discipline from me. What can I do?
Parenting in step-families is complex, far more complex than in non-step
families. Step-children frequently resent the fact that a stranger they have not
chosen is entering their lives and presuming (in their minds) to assume the role
of parent. They may – unfairly – blame the step-father for the loss of their
relationship with their biological father. Furthermore there is no particular
reason why step-parents and step-children should or will like, let alone love,
one another. The absence of an affectionate or at least respectful relationship
between step-parents and children can make discipline very difficult.
For you as a step-father, there are other issues. Many step-fathers are
fearful of permanently losing their relationship with their step-child if they
are too strict. This is rarely an issue between parents and their biological or
adopted children, where the underlying strength of the bond is usually taken for
granted. This anxiety can make them unsure about how strict to be. Children can
sometimes pick up on this and exploit it.
All these factors can make you uncertain of your role in relation to
step-children. Usually a heavy-handed approach backfires. Young children may
submit to discipline from an authoritarian step-parent, but they will resent it
and the control is likely to break down as they grow older. It is generally a
mistake to try to discipline step-children too early. Discipline cannot truly be
enforced without some foundation of trust and mutual respect.
Here are a few tips for helping to be more effective in disciplining your
step-children:
- Negotiate rules with your partner in advance so you aren't sending mixed
messages. Different ideas about the step-father's role in disciplining children
are a frequent cause of relationship friction in step-families.
- Avoid loud, blaming or abusive words (e.g. 'Are you stupid?' 'You are very
bad!' etc.). Talk in a firm, clear manner without using put-downs.
- Have clear rules and try to get your step-children to agree on these
before you try to enforce them.
- Explain the reason for rules, don't just say, 'Because I say so!'
- Fit the consequence to the offence. Over-the-top punishments only create
resentment.
- Avoid getting into power struggles. Pick your battles carefully.
- Explain that you can never replace your step-children's biological father
and will never try to.
- Accept that you will make mistakes and sometimes be unfair. Just do your
best!
See the step-families links on our links page for
more information about how to manage the complexities of step-parenting.
My teenage child is out of control. What should I do?
Parenting teenagers is a big challenge. The teenage years are a time in which
young people experiment with their identities and challenge parental authority
in preparation for establishing themselves as independent adults. Although
uncomfortable for parents, the rebellion of adolescence is an absolutely
necessary and important developmental stage.
However, this does not mean that teenagers do not need limits. Although they
may complain about the boundaries placed around their behaviour, adolescents
feel more secure if they know what the rules are. It is important to have firm
guidelines about what your teenage child is and is not allowed to do, what time
they should be home by, and so on.
On the other hand, research has shown that an authoritarian approach – the
iron fist – usually backfires. If a young person feels that their parent is
unreasonably harsh and does not respect their judgement or trust them, then they
can react by rejecting the parent's control altogether.
Here are some simple tips for effective parenting of teenage children:
- Be aware of the fact that your child is growing and changing and adapt rules
to suit their level of maturity and judgment. Loosening controls may feel scary
at times, and their may be times when your child makes a mistake, but in doing
so they will learn.
- Try 'active listening' with your child. Active listening means listening
without judgements, reactions or attempts to 'fix'. Listen and try to understand
the world your child lives in, and their experience and perspective.
- Admit your mistakes and be prepared to compromise.
- Don't expect hard and fast rules about things like sex, alcohol and drugs to
deal with these complex challenges. Talk honestly about these subjects and help
your child to understand the risks so that they can make mature decisions when
confronted by situations.
- Remember what you got up to when you were an adolescent. It may
help you to keep perspective!
- Admitting to your child that you have never parented a teenager before and
therefore may need some help from them could establish a collaborative
relationship with your teenager and demonstrate that you trust and value their
input.
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