There are many ways to describe family violence. Here is one definition:

“Family Violence is the manifestation in any close interpersonal relationship* where the power dynamic between family members becomes temporarily or permanently fixed  in favour of one person over another as an consequence of the periodic or continuous use of physical violence, threats and intimidation, non-physical abuse or any controlling behaviour, and which results in physical hurt, fear of harm, inability to engage equally with the other, loss of control and/or the inability to access resources and the inability to exercise autonomy by the other”.

* For example - between spouses, partners, parents and children, siblings and in other relationships where significant others are not part of the physical household but are part of the family and/or are fulfilling the function of family.

Mensline Australia believes the use of physical, emotional, sexual, psychological or economic abuse in family and intimate relationships is always unacceptable and in some cases is against the law. We believe that any person using violence is solely responsible for their behaviour and we will work with people to accept that responsibility and connect with services in the community to facilitate behaviour change. In our work with callers we will take the appropriate steps to ensure the safety of the person experiencing abuse and will encourage them to seek suitable supports.

You do have a problem with family violence when -

• The relationship between you and your partner and/or other family members can be described as a “power OVER relationship”, rather than a “power WITH relationship”. In other words you want and are in control.
• You use and/or have used any or all of the following behaviours
• engaging in physical and/or sexual assault– grabbing, pushing, slapping, punching, rape
• making threats to harm – yelling, screaming, punching walls, standing over, prevented the other from leaving, making threats,
• engaging in emotional and psychological abuse – name calling, belittling remarks, put downs, continuous criticisms, making fun of the other, threatening to harm oneself
• putting limits on what the other can do – going everywhere with them, quizzing them on where they go and what they do, ringing up all the time, stalking, isolate them from family and friends
• preventing other from making choices – making most of the decisions, expect the other to ask permission, control the money in the household,
• There are consequences for those on the receiving end of your actions, such as
• being physically or psychologically hurt
• feeling unsafe around you
• unable to express themselves freely and openly
• being withdrawn and guarded when you are around
• feeling and acting unsure of themselves
• deferring to you and/or allowing you to make all the decisions
• being depressed and anxious
• loss of affection and intimacy in the relationship

• You are unwilling to accept responsibility for what you do. You may –
• deny you acting that way – “I wasn’t violent or abusive or controlling”
• minimise what you do – “I only pushed her”
• justify and excuse have you have done – “If she stopped nagging me, I wouldn’t have hit her”; “I am the head of the house”.
• blame others for you behaviour – “It’s my parent’s fault I’m like this”; “I am under a lot of pressure at them moment”

If you can say yes to any of the above, you have a problem with family violence. Although you may believe there are short term gains, there are long term consequences:

• Someone may get hurt
• Those you love will be afraid of you
• You will lose your relationship and your family
• Your access to your children will be restricted
• Assault charges and legal intervention orders can be taken against you
• You will lose face and be shamed

You will not solve it on your own. Many men have tried. Talk to someone about it now.

There are programs, groups and telephone services that specifically deal with family violence issues. Check our service database or call Mensline Australia for further information.

Copyright © Mensline Australia 2004