Family violence in same-sex relationships
Family violence is any type of abusive behaviour in a family or relationship where one person attempts to gain and maintain control over the other. It can take many forms including physical violence, sexual assault, emotional abuse or social or financial control. Abuse does not have to be physical or sexual to be considered family violence.
Family violence can happen in all types of relationships: gay,
lesbian or heterosexual; monogamous, open or three-way; dating, new
relationships or long-term; live in or not, and in a recent survey one third of
gays and lesbians said they'd been physically abused by a partner.[1] Family Violence happens across all communities,
social classes, ages, cultural backgrounds and geographical areas. However,
there are a number of aspects that are unique to same sex family
violence. These include:
- 'Outing' as a method of control
If the abused partner
isn't out to their family, friends, and workmates or within their cultural
community; the abusive partner may use 'outing' or the threat of 'outing' as a
method of control.
- The abuse becomes associated with sexuality
For
individuals new to gay or lesbian relationships, sexual identity can become
associated with the abuse, and they can end up blaming the abuse on their
sexuality, with thoughts like; 'I'm experiencing this abuse because I'm
gay/lesbian. If I wasn't gay/lesbian I wouldn't be experiencing this. I hate
being gay/lesbian.'
- Family violence isn't well understood in the
community
There hasn't been much information or discussion in the
gay and lesbian communities about family violence in relationships.
Most information on family violence relates to heterosexual
relationships with the man abusing the woman. This lack of understanding means
that some people may not:
- Believe it happens in same sex relationships;
- Recognise abuse as family violence if it does happen to them and/or
- Know how to respond if they see violence in their friend's or family
members' relationships.
Does your relationship have a family violence problem? To
assess your relationship, answer the following questions:
Has, or does, your partner:
- Call you names or make fun of you in a way that is designed to hurt you?
- Humiliate you in front of friends, family or in public?
- Threaten to 'out' you to your family or work?
- Prevent you from attending gay/lesbian events or other events or venues?
- Have sudden outbursts of anger?
- Act over-protective and become jealous for no reason?
- Make it difficult, or prevent you from seeing friends or family?
- Control your money against your will?
- Threaten you with violence or push, punch, slap, hit, kick or throw things
at you?
- Physically or emotionally hurt your children?
- Hurt your pets?
- Pressure, force or trick you into having unsafe sex?
- Involving you in BDSM without consent?
- Make you have sex with other people?
- Make you engage in any other sexual acts you are not comfortable with or
that are unsafe?
- Threaten your children?
- Tell, or threaten to tell others about your health status without your
permission?
- Isolate you from your cultural background or prevent you from practising
your religion?
- Withhold or stop you from getting medication or treatments?
Or do you...
- Change your behaviour or your appearance so your partner doesn't get angry?
- Avoid talking about money or other topics?
- Feel scared, anxious or like you are 'walking on eggshells'?
- Isolate yourself from friends and family?
If you answered yes to any of these questions you may be experiencing
family violence.
Within the Same Sex Community, there are some common misconceptions about
family violence.
Family violence is about power and
control and will almost always involve a number of forms of abuse, for example
emotional, physical, sexual or social abuse. Regardless of whether an abused
partner may be able to fight back during a particular incident they are still
experiencing family violence.
Law and the police
Threats, stalking, physical and
sexual violence are all illegal. The law offers the same protection to same sex
victims of family violence as it does to heterosexual victims -
including police protection and access to Apprehended Violence Orders. It also
allows for division of joint property after two years of living together.
The
police have a responsibility to provide assistance and protection to anyone
experiencing illegal forms of domestic violence - regardless of their sexuality.
If someone feels the police or other legal service response hasn't been adequate
or appropriate they have the right to make a complaint.
In an emergency, call 000. If it is not an emergency, you may prefer to
speak with a Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer (GLLO) who has had training in
working with members of the gay and lesbian community, and are found at many
major stations around Australia. Alternately, you may wish to speak with a
Domestic Violence Liaison Officer (DVLO) who has special training in working
with people who are experiencing domestic violence. Most stations have a DVLO.
To contact a GLLO or DVLO call the Police Switchboard in your state and ask for
the station or officer nearest you.
Adelaide: (08) 8416 2811
Brisbane: (07) 3222 1222
Canberra: (02) 6256
7777
Darwin: (08) 8981 1044
Hobart: (03) 6231 0166
Melbourne: (03) 9607
7777
Perth: (08) 9320 3444
Sydney: (02) 9286 4000
Ability to meet other gay or lesbian people
One form of
abuse is social isolation. Some people worry that if they leave their abusive
partner they will end up isolated and alone. This is especially true for people
in their first same sex relationship. But there are many community groups that
can help people make connections with other gay men or lesbians.
(BDSM) power and control
BDSM is a negotiated sexual
activity that may involve hitting, slapping, pain, coercion, or dominance. Some
people may adopt long term roles of dominance or submission. These are conscious
and consensual activities where all parties agree to their roles as well as the
time and place for a particular scene. In a family violence situation
the abused partner does not consent to the abusive activities.
If you or someone you know is using or experiencing family violence,
there are people who can help; MensLine Australia offers counselling, support
and referral to local family violence services for everyone involved.
You
will not solve it on your own. Many men have tried. Talk to someone about it
now.
[1] Survey conducted by
the AIDS Council of New South Wales, and quoted in an interview with Anne
Mitchell, on the ABC's Radio show 'The World Today'. Wednesday, 30 May , 2007
12:37:00
© 2007 MensLine Australia.
Author: Lauren Coates
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