Separation and divorce are among the toughest experiences you will ever have. Men report a range of intense experiences at this time. Those listed below have been reported by men at various stages of separating. They are samples from a very long list:
- Frustrated, powerless and angry
- Relieved that differences are out in the open
- Dizzy, with thoughts spinning in circles
- Desperate, ready to drop off the planet
- Determined to stand ground and battle to the bitter end
- Aware of some hard choices have to be made
- Lonely and sad
- Bewildered and hurt
These responses, all painful and distressing, are perfectly normal. The good news is that most men face these intense feelings and survive. Even better, they mostly go on to live fulfilling and happy lives. The not so good news is that it will take time.
The path through separation is unlikely to be a neat straight line. You will find yourself experiencing the highs and lows that come with grief and loss. You will revisit memories and feelings you thought you’d left behind. The emotional and mental impact will test your strength and your capacity to look after yourself properly.
Ways to look after yourself that have helped other men
- Be clear that separation is not like repairing a car. It can’t be fixed quickly
- Be honest with yourself and take responsibility for your life
- Be clear about where you have choices and where you don’t
- Be aware of what is happening within and around you
- Listen what you are telling yourself. Be alert for signs of self-pity, hopelessness and revenge
- Avoid the language of blame
- Think about the consequences of what you decide to do
- Commit to looking after yourself – continue to do the things you enjoy.
- Talk to people about how things are for you
Ask for help
Often the last thing men want is to seek support of any kind. Some feel so ashamed of the break-up that they go into denial. Support is available from:
- Friends, family and other separated men
- Work colleagues, local doctor, counselling services and men’s groups
Never be afraid to ask. People want to help.
* Copyright © Mensline Australia 2004